I had an intense week of grievance and upheaval in my mind. Some teacher really got to me, teaching all week long and using all the right words, but what an attitude! It made me FEEL everything I do is shit, and I should read more in the Course, watch more Master Teacher videos, do this, do that and on and on. Or maybe better that I am nothing but shit. And he is right, but what does that help me? I did not want to listen to him anymore. I got into this paranoid fear of being up against everything, and each and everyone and everything against me. Seeking for allies and friends that would share my perspective and experience, all the while feeding my perception of a schism between those with and those objecting to the teacher, seeing only two categories in my mind: friend and enemy, and I split in between with no means to solve this conflict. Who is the hero in all this? Who is the hero of my dream? Oh, it couldn't be me, could it?
I did not run away, though I kept my distance. I practiced the lessons of the Course like a madman. "I am the light of the world." "I need do nothing." "I am not separate from God." I had to, otherwise I would either give into what seemed complete insanity to me, or I accumulate more and more grievance and rage. And I have to give, I have to love, I have to extend to everyone and everything. Otherwise I am nothing. And loving is entirely possible, it just takes willingness. I don't know how, I feel totally justified in my rage, but I am willing to love, because only that can offer me an experience of love. I stood still. I went for a walk and talked with a great friend. And I had a talk with two friends I thought would be on the other side. I had a straight talk, plain honest and simple, and suddenly there is the light. I don't compare myself. I just ask for how things are for me. I don't need to judge when I turn to the light and, in fact, I have to suspend judging in order to turn to the light. I am NOT the author of reality. I need to be shown, so I look for help and certainty in God. And there is all the help. I am so grateful. What a good conflict can be used for. Amazing.
So what can I say? I could care less what anyone says, I have to remember always, I am not separate from God. I am the light of the world. There is nothing outside of my mind. Let it all break loose, and in my non-defense, taking responsibility as the light of the world, I experience a freedom and joy that is truly MINE forever, and that no man and nothing can take away from me. How awesome it is to be inspired and infused by the light of God, by this ever gentle but certain light that is in each of us to guide us and to call us home to God.
"How are things for me?" "How is this for me?" "How is that really?" Instead of relying on what someone else has to say, I turn inside, and THERE I find certainty and release, and possibilities to give and love, to stay and extend peace of mind. That is what I want, and I am sooooooo grateful to have found this, miraculously, by not running away from conflict, but by looking towards the solution and only option I have which is that I am whole and perfect as God created me. I can't believe it. It is so good.
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