Hey you, all I can say at this moment is this:
Did you ever realize that whatever you do in your mind, does not lead to happiness? That in fact it leads to misery? That is a good moment to pause, take a deep breath and ask for help.
I just want to be happy. My ways don't work. I need help. Period.
My interpretation of things is the problem
Whatever may cause my upset, be it the breakup of a relationship, a demand or statement by someone else, it is never the thing itself that causes me pain. It is always my interpretation of it. This interpretation sets up an enemy in my mind that is in conflict with what I want. It is always in my reaction to things, where I determine whether I will be happy or miserable. A relationship broken up is nothing in itself. Yet if I perceive it as loss, rejection, abandonment, failure or whatever, I invent a story that is not true. My reaction to that story will cause me pain because any attempt at making real what is not so is deceiving, and always painful. There is no one but me who determines my perception of what is happening to me. Also, my interpretation most likely will let me forget that I am the cause of what is happening. But I am responsible for what I see, and everything that is happening to me, I ask for, and receive as I have asked. That is what A Course In Miracles teaches me on every page.
It is very sobering to see that I am only hurting myself. My vengeance and attack, basically, any attempt to solve a particular situation in my mind, do nothing but hurt myself. They add nothing. They change nothing. All they do is keep me in the bondage of my own delusion in the story I am telling myself. They all keep me in a past reference. They let me overlook the present and fail to be happy now.
Attack thoughts crossing my mind work havoc, if I let them pass unchecked. No peace of mind, no happiness without watching my mind, that is very clear. But how to stop this flood of destruction? How to find back to reason, trust and love of self? There is only one thing. What do I really want? Yet, as long as I see the problem outside of me, I will not be able to see the question at all, because I have set the answer already, I have decided what I want. Seeing the problem outside of me means that I want someone or something else be guilty for how I feel. If there is something outside of me, causing me pain, I will try to solve to problem outside of me, being justified in my defense and attack. That will never work because my interpretation of things is not outside of me. Wanting to be happy is tied to taking responsibility for what is happening to, and with me.
Somehow I need to see that I want to be happy. After being involved in nothing but making happiness impossible, this will make me very grateful. Forgiveness then will be easy. I just want to be happy.
That is what I do now. I remember that I just want to be happy, and keep that in mind. I won't pick up these old thoughts of trying to get even, and solving it outside. I was wrong in the past, very wrong. But this instant is a new moment. I decide for happiness. I just want to be happy.
Is that what salvation is? Let's look in the workbook of A Course In Miracles...
"Salvation is a promise, made by God, that you would find your way to Him at last. It cannot but be kept. It guarantees that time will have an end, and all the thoughts that have been born in time will end as well. God's Word is given every mind which thinks that it has separate thoughts, and will replace these thoughts of conflict with the Thought of peace."Here we have the problem. I think that I have separate thoughts. Yet salvation is guaranteed. The thought that will replace them, which is my insanity, is given me already.
"The Thought of peace was given to God's Son the instant that his mind had thought of war. There was no need for such a Thought before, for peace was given without opposite, and merely was. But when the mind is split there is a need of healing. So the Thought that has the power to heal the split became a part of every fragment of the mind that still was one, but failed to recognize its oneness. Now it did not know itself, and thought its own Identity was lost."Not knowing who I am, I do not know what I want. That is always my only problem. Conflict is the result, and there is no solution to it, except to decide for happiness, which is the decision for God.
"Salvation is undoing in the sense that it does nothing, failing to support the world of dreams and malice. Thus it lets illusions go. By not supporting them, it merely lets them quietly go down to dust. And what they hid is now revealed; an altar to the holy Name of God whereon His Word is written, with the gifts of your forgiveness laid before it, and the memory of God not far behind."Deciding for happiness allows that all my crazy thoughts of conflict "quietly go down to dust". Happiness is self-evident. It is the only choice I have. As soon as I make this choice, it will be very obvious that that is all I want, and all I could want. Everything else will disappear.
"Let us come daily to this holy place, and spend a while together. Here we share our final dream. It is a dream in which there is no sorrow, for it holds a hint of all the glory given us by God. The grass is pushing through the soil, the trees are budding now, and birds have come to live within their branches. Earth is being born again in new perspective. Night has gone, and we have come together in the light."
A Dream in which there is no sorrow...? Are you kidding? And that only holds a hint of all the glory that will be ours because God gave it to us? All I need to bring is that I want it. Period. Nothing beyond me can make me fearful, or loving and happy. I am responsible.
"From here we give salvation to the world, for it is here salvation was received. The song of our rejoicing is the call to all the world that freedom is returned, that time is almost over, and God's Son has but an instant more to wait until his Father is remembered, dreams are done, eternity has shined away the world, and only Heaven now exists at all."
Thank God for the freedom that is ours, and that this is my final dream of awakening to who I really am.
Thank God for Endeavor Academy which is a miracle for being available at this time and space. Come and sign up for your awakening to reality and love.